


Chaste Kisses

by PlaidIsTheBestPattern



Series: Guts and Casca Get Their Fucking Happy Ending [1]
Category: Berserk
Genre: AU where Guts and Casca get their fucking happy ending, Crying, Cuddling & Snuggling, F/M, Feels, Flashbacks, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, This is cheesy but I refuse to apologize, i'm a sap
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-25
Updated: 2016-09-02
Packaged: 2018-08-12 13:08:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7935835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PlaidIsTheBestPattern/pseuds/PlaidIsTheBestPattern
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In a world where the eclipse doesn't happen, what does the relationship between Guts and Casca look like?</p>
<p>What do they mean to one another after they've laid so many wounds bare?</p>
<p>Part of an AU where Guts and Casca get their fucking happy ending.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part I

**Author's Note:**

> This is part of an AU of mine from Fanfiction.net called "Parenthood," where the eclipse didn't happen and Griffith is dead. This two part short was awkwardly placed in said work (out of timeline) so I separated it out for AO3. Eventually my other stuff will probably end up on here too.

In the privacy of her tent, Casca laid against Guts' chest and let him hold her in his arms. Her stomach was churning, her head felt like it was going to explode, and she couldn't break the urge to cry.

She listened to Guts' quiet and steady breathing and tried to quell the melancholy of her thoughts, closing her eyes to feel the rise and fall of his chest.

Guts was warm and his embrace was secure. His presence comforted her—made her feel that maybe everything would be alright. Guts was so much stronger than her… two weeks since Griffith died and he was done with tears and regrets.

Casca sighed. "I'm sorry Guts… I should already be done mourning, shouldn't I?"

The man below lifted his hand and placed it on her head, running his fingers through her short strands of hair. "It's okay, Casca," He said softly.

Somehow, his understanding, gentle tone made Casca want to cry more. She sniffed and buried her head in his shirt, wetting it with silent tears.

She felt ashamed to still be so distraught when Guts was already done mourning, but she also felt guilty.

She felt guilty for crying over Griffith in front of Guts, because it suggested that he was more to her than valuable friend and venerated leader. For years, he had been more than that. Griffith had consumed her thoughts with his presence—with his hand on her shoulder, with his soft and reassuring smile. She had wanted to be by his side—to be trusted and loved by him. But he never really trusted her, or anyone else—not with his heart. He was incapable of being vulnerable. He hid what he felt and trusted no one with his true feelings.

When Guts had come into her life as a friend and then a lover, he had revealed a softer and more vulnerable part of his soul—a part of himself that she'd angrily assumed didn't even exist when they first met. He had yielded his heart to hers and told her things that she knew he had never been willing to tell anyone else. He dared to trust her in a way that Griffith never had and never would. She knew Guts' heart was cautious—that he had been hurt badly and he was afraid of rejection. Her guilt came from the fear that she might inflict further injury on his wary heart by crying now.

Casca wrapped her arms around Guts' waist and hugged him tightly. "I… I don't want you to think that I wouldn't cry just as much over you," She choked.

"What do you mean?" He asked quietly, continuing to stroke through her hair.

"I'm afraid that because I'm still crying," She choked back a sob and her lips trembled. "…you'll think that I love him more than I love you."

"Casca…" Guts said with sympathy and tenderness, moving slowly to turn them both over, so that she lay below him. He wiped her teary cheeks with his thumb, and Casca saw the compassion in his eyes when he smiled at her sadly.

"I love you, Guts. I really do… More every day." More tears flowed down Casca's cheeks. "I don't want you to leave me… just because I can't stop crying." She covered her face with her hands and sobbed.

Guts let her sob for a few moments, then took her small hands in his large ones and gently pulled them away from her face. "I'm not going to leave you, Casca." He said, before pressing a chaste kiss on her right hand. "I," He kissed her other hand. "Love," He kissed her on the nose. "You." He smiled at her caringly.

Casca hiccupped and cried some more, but the anxiety in her heart died with his sweet smile.

Any time they had argued in the last month, Griffith was the figure at the center of that argument. He had been a source of turbulence in their relationship for years--and as lovers, that turbulence didn't die—only changed form. There were terrible shouting matches between them: jealousy, insecurity, anger, stress, blame, and guilt twisted together and had nearly torn them apart in the months that they cared for their former leader. They said things they didn't mean because of their grief. The love they felt for each other only made their arguments more intense and hurtful. Fighting with Guts was stressful and infuriating—only adding to Casca's concerns over her leadership, how they would make it out of Midland alive, and… the life she found out she was carrying inside of her.

She hadn't told him yet, because by the time she found out, Griffith was already sick—already dying—and it wasn't the right time. She couldn't deny that she also feared what his reaction would be. Would he be frightened? Troubled? …Happy? She was afraid that if she told him, he might feel obligated to stay with her—even if he didn't really want to. She wanted to cling to Guts, be held by him, be loved by him—but not if he didn't want the same thing—not if he wanted to leave.

More tears slipped quietly down her cheeks. "You wanted to cut a path for yourself with your sword… what happened to that dream?" She asked. The question of why he was still here had been burning in the back of her mind for weeks. He had said he would stay only until the Hawks got back on their feet, but they were now safely outside of the king's grasp, and still he stayed by her side. Still, he cared for her and comforted her—even though it hadn't been easy, the world with all of its sparks waited.

Guts let his eyes fall on her hands still in his. "I set out to find my own dream in the first place because I wanted him to call me his friend. But now he's gone, and I guess I've realized lately that maybe…" He bit his lip, and then looked at her. "All I wanted was… a family."

Casca's heart skipped a beat.

Guts put his hand on her cheek. "You and the Hawks are that family. I was just too stupid to see it."  

Casca rested against his hand and the anxiety that had been building in her for months began to calm. "What about fighting stronger and stronger opponents to build your skills? What about making sparks?" She asked quietly.

Guts frowned thoughtfully. "Well… I make plenty of sparks with you." He offered, grinning at her devilishly.

Casca couldn't help but laugh a little at that, though she nudged his shoulder for ruining a serious discussion.

"But in all seriousness, I don't wanna leave anymore," Guts said, his brows suddenly furrowed. "I thought there wouldn't be any battles that I wanted, but that Black Dog Knight freak sure proved me wrong... Besides, we could still travel together. Judeau could hold down the fort long enough for you to take a break from leadership, at least now that we're safe from the damn king trying to kill us."

"Hmm… Like a vacation?" Casca sighed and smiled. "That actually sounds really nice."

Guts smiled back and started trailing kisses down her face and neck.

"It'd be best to go now or wait a few months, though…" Casca said softly—unsurely.

"How come?" Guts asked between kisses.

"…Because your family's about to get a little bit… bigger."

Guts stopped and sat up on his knees, his eyes wide. "Waddya mean, Casca?"  

Her heart pounded. "…I'm pregnant." She said, her eyes widening as well to best gauge his reaction. She could hardly believe she'd actually said it.

"P-pregnant…" He repeated, almost inaudibly.

Casca sat up and bit her thumb in anxiety, fearing that it was all wrong—that she shouldn't have told him. There were so many things he must be thinking. Their relationship was so new, they fought all the time, and the news was completely unexpected. And how would Guts feel about being a father? Would it scare him, considering his past? Guts was still staring at her with that same look of shock, and Casca prepared to say something—anything—to kill the silence: Tell him it would be okay, that he didn't have to stay if he didn't want to, that... that...!

Guts laughed suddenly, and put his hand over his mouth. "My god…" His eyes misted. "We're gonna be parents!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I used to browse r/Berserk on Reddit a lot. When I originally wrote this, it was basically just to get across my feelings about the ol', "Guts was Casca's consolation prize when she realized she couldn't have Griffith" spiel. 
> 
> Sure--I agree that Casca had feelings for Griffith (prior to the eclipse)--but as Judeau told Guts at one point, those feelings were something a little different from romantic attraction. Casca worshipped Griffith and felt indebted to him because he saved her from a terrible fate. But it's really impossible to love someone on your deepest level when you idolize them that much. Griffith was always above Casca in his own mind and in hers, and that kind of inequality doesn't work in a romantic relationship. In fact, it's disgustingly unhealthy. Really, it's what makes all of Griffith's relationships in the Golden Age so unhealthy. 
> 
> The "Wounds" episodes in Berserk (which this two part fic is kinda based on) are some of my favorites to read in all of Berserk--and not because it's sex--but because the emotional aspects of the scene are so well done. We have these two characters open up to each other and become completely bare not only in a physical sense, but in an emotional and relational sense as well. Guts and Casca reveal these ugly parts of themselves--parts that no one else really knows about--and experience love from one another when they expect rejection. In essence, Guts and Casca prove to each other their mutual respect and sense of equality by admitting to the wounds they bear. Neither thinks of themselves as better than the other, and that gives them an intimacy that Griffith could never have--he's simply too arrogant for it. Here, Casca begins to extricate herself from this hold that Griffith has on her, taking Guts as an example and an inspiration to finally leave the Hawks and get what she really wants, which is emotional intimacy with someone she respects.
> 
> That's my two cents, anyway. Feel free to comment.


	2. Part II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for implied/referenced rape/non-con are for this part (mentions of Donovan and what he did to Guts), as well as for a PTSD related flashback.

Guts loved being with Casca. He loved the feeling of her warm, smooth skin pressed against his, the feel of her cheeks and lips and breasts and arms and every single piece of her. And he loved these things on their own, but it was the woman they belonged to who set his heart on fire—who he delighted in being with as one. Her smiles, her doe-eyed expressions, her confidence and strength, her love. There was a peace found with her that couldn't be experienced anywhere else—an intimacy that he needed and longed for and finally found with her. He loved to please her because he loved her. He loved to see her lost in his actions and to lose himself in her too, because he trusted her so deeply that he could let go and sink with her into another world—a paradise. But every so often, he was unexpectedly yanked up from that peaceful bliss, and nightmares trespassed on the sacred ground of their bed. In those moments, Guts could suddenly smell Donovan's stench, and feel his breath on his neck, and hear his pants and grunts, and feel the sharp pain of him inside. Instead of feeling her warm and caring touch, suddenly Guts felt sweaty, fat hands touching him all over, caressing him, pinning him down, beating him with terrible blows when he resisted, yanking him close after hours of violation and holding him tightly in sleep while he sobbed in despair and wished to die.

He would suddenly jerk away from Casca, his breath coming in gasps and sweat dripping down his face, his eyes full of terror and his arms trembling as they wrapped themselves tightly around his body to help protect it from anyone and everyone's touch.

Four months into their relationship marked the sixth time it happened.

Casca had come to recognize the way his body tensed in the midst of a flashback, and she knew better than to remain anywhere near him when one occurred. He hadn't hurt her since their first time, but Casca never risked the chance. She scrambled out from under him and stared cautiously at his completely still form from a safe distance. After a few moments, with his features hidden in the darkness of their tent, she dared whisper his name. "Guts?"

He shivered suddenly, as if shaking off a sense of dread, and then exhaled. "I-I'm fine." He said shakily, his chest heaving.

Casca sighed in relief and crawled back over to him while he got back his breath. She wouldn't touch him—she would sit very near and wait until he was ready, even though she always wanted instantly to embrace him.

Guts wheezed and tried desperately to stop shaking. Finally, after several minutes, he calmed enough, and looked at Casca, her eyes full of concern in the moonlight stealing in through the crack of the tent opening. He hated worrying her. He hated scaring her like this. He just wanted everything to be fine. "I'm okay now..." He said, "L-let's keep going."

Casca shook her head slowly. "You're rushing yourself again. You need to give yourself more time."

Guts laughed a little. "I'm fine, Casca," He said more easily, but Casca knew what he sounded like when he lied. Even if she didn't, his fingers still shaking slightly and his eyes still wide betrayed him.

"Guts," She said firmly but gently. "You're not fine."

Guts watched her stern gaze—that gaze that pierced through him—that knew him almost better than he knew himself. He bit his lip, wanting to argue with her but knowing it was pointless—that she was right and he wasn't ready. He needed to take a moment, however much he didn't want to. He did not want a repeat of their first time. He closed his eyes and sighed, then fell back against the blankets, covering his face with his hands.

Casca gave him a few moments before laying down beside him and letting her hand rest in his hair. She scratched his scalp soothingly, and for a moment he ignored the turbulence within and just let himself enjoy the sensation. "It's okay, Guts," Casca said gently.

Guts' teeth gritted. "No it's not!" He hissed, his eyes still buried under his hands.

Casca was not perturbed. She leaned down by his ear. "Yes it is," She said decidedly—in a way that refused to allow his doubts.

Guts clenched his jaw and took in a jagged breath. Four months. Four damn months, and still that fat pig bastard screwed with Guts' head. He hated it. He hated it with a passion! He hated it more and more, because his patience with himself was dwindling to nothing and he was convinced Casca's must be too. She was still scratching his scalp, still trying to lend comfort, and he wanted to believe that she loved him even still. But after four months, the memory of that dark shadow pinning him down still occasionally came between them. That darkness from his past was in his way—in  _their_  way. How could she possibly continue to love him through this? ...How could anyone?

Casca kissed him on the head. "It's okay, Guts," She said again.

Guts squeezed his eyes shut, trying to believe. He often struggled with the idea of being loved despite his failures and fears. As a boy, his worth was based solely on his performance: if he fought well, Gambino sometimes offered appreciation in the form of a smile or a coin tossed his way. If he fought poorly, he was derided and beaten. It was hard for him to accept that the same didn't apply to all relationships, and he felt like a failure this night in their bed. How could she love him, when he couldn't even love her back properly? "I'm sorry, Casca," He choked.

The fingers in his hair went still, and he sensed Casca move to lean over him. Soft hands took his rough ones and pulled them gently away from his face. Guts sighed and looked up at her, his face sullen and his eyes glassy.

Casca looked back at him intently, a soft sadness in her features. She was seeing Guts' vulnerable side—the damaged part of himself that he laid bare before her alone. This was the quietly suffering Guts who seized her chest with a need to comfort—to bring healing.

"I said I wanted to have you thousands of times, but I can't stop freezing up…" He said, trying to keep his voice steady.

Guts was normally so strong—so fierce. He was usually the one comforting her. Despite the grief she felt for him in these moments, they gave her the opportunity to return the care he showed her, and she appreciated that. She ran her thumbs along his knuckles and spoke softly. "You never have to apologize to me for this. Not  _ever_." She pressed a chaste kiss against his right hand, then his left, and pressed a final one against his nose.

Guts smiled at her lightly, though a little uncertainly. He recognized the gesture.

Casca took his face in her hands and put her forehead against his. "I love you," She said, looking down at him with dreamy eyes, brushing his face with her dark lashes.

When their relationship had first begun, Casca had been shy and uncertain in herself. But daily, that shyness and uncertainty was overcome by her natural boldness. As she grew more confident that she wanted their relationship, she grew more confident in her position as Guts' anchor. He needed her in ways that no one had ever needed her before, giving her a chance to display and explore some of her dormant qualities. They were both usually bold (and often drove each other up the wall for that reason), but when one of them felt weak, the other could be strong. Casca committed herself to being the strong one this night—the one who gently assured. She peppered Guts' face with kisses, then nestled up against him and held him in a tight hug. She smiled slightly as her sense of purpose crystallized. This was a man to whom she could give, and not just receive. She'd been searching for this her whole life.

Guts closed his eyes and breathed deeply, enjoying the warmth of her body against his. He could no longer doubt her soothing voice, her caring touch, her comforting embrace. They hadn't been together very long, but already he couldn't imagine his life without her. He had told her so many things about his past—things that he thought he'd never be able to tell anyone. He hadn't even realized how broken he was until she had exposed him and started to piece him back together. Sometimes it was painful. There were some pieces he didn't want her to see because they were so damaged. There were some pieces that he wanted to hide and forget about forever and that he fought her for trying to heal. But Casca always managed to expose what he hid, and she never recoiled from what she found. She accepted Guts' past for what it was, and held him close, and told him that she loved him. She had done so much for him, and he loved her so much, and he just wished….

His jaw tightened. "I've been with you four months, and still these stupid memories... I just want to be over it."

Casca sat up and shook her head at him. "Guts... four months isn't enough for ten years worth of pent up trauma. Don't have unrealistic expectations of yourself. This is still very new—for both of us. Give yourself time."

Guts sighed. He wondered how Casca could be so patient, when for him this was agonizing. He loved being embraced by Casca, being comforted by her. No one had ever showed him the kind of care that she lavished on him in heaps. But he didn't want it to be like this forever. He wanted to be able to love her and please her and think only about her when they were together—not about something grotesque that had happened long ago. He wanted what they had to be pure and untainted by dark memories. He placed his hand on her swelling belly and furrowed his brows in determination. "By the time our baby is born, I want to be done with this."

"Guts," Casca said softly, "that's not necessarily something you can just decide."

"I know," Guts said simply. "But I'm deciding it anyway."

Casca smiled, and kissed him on the cheek. "Well… for tonight, just remember that you are loved," She whispered, laying her head against his chest. "Just rest in my love."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So some other people seem to get it into their heads that Casca is just some chick to Guts... they don't really get what the deal is--why he's so focused on keeping her safe and getting her back. The second part of the wounds episodes, where Guts almost strangles Casca to death, really relate (at least for me) a prime example of what a great character she is, and why Guts sees her as everything. In that episode, the carefully constructed walls separating Guts from his trauma shatter around him. His mortification and shame are palpable, and it's very clear that he expects nothing more than for Casca to scream at him for almost strangling her--for ruining her first time--for coming back to the Band of the Hawk in the first place. But rather than being freaked out by Guts, rejecting him, or pitying him as a person with too much damage in his past to be worth a relationship, Casca just hugs the shit out of him. In a moment where he can't feel any worse--any lower or less broken--Casca steps down into the muck he's wading through and says they're equals. Not only that--but she showers him with trust he doesn't feel he deserves after what he did, showing him that he is still something she wants, despite how he views himself. She knows things about Guts that literally no one else alive knows. This makes her not only the woman he loves, but also his closest friend. She knows exactly what to say and do to soothe him, irritate him, make him laugh, and tease him. She just friggin' knows him, and she barely even has to try. That's the woman Guts wants back.
> 
>  
> 
> On that note, despite the hiatus, I'm very very excited about what Miura seems to have planned for the next few episodes of Berserk. (Spoiler) Schierke and Farnese going into Casca's dreams to pull her out of her own head? Hell. Yes. 
> 
> Talk to me about Berserk.


End file.
